losing yourself.

In the past two years I have lost about 75 pounds, and quite a few of my many self esteem issues that had been following me all my life. I still have enough issues left to sink a ship, but well, that's something for another post. The idea for this post has been going around in my head for quite awhile and it is time to just do it and get it over with.

This is me with my family about 3-4 years ago. So everyone I am friends with now knew me then in one way or another. This is a very uncomfortable person you see in this picture. (It was an awesome hair day though). P.S. I am the one on the left.

This, as I would hope you would all know, is me now. This was taken this past summer.

This picture was also taken this year. So, what have I learned by losing so much of myself (the weight)? I have learned why I eat. It is a comfort to me when things are bad, food is always there. I was raised that food means comfort, food means family, food means home. So when I was scared, my mom was sick, or I felt lonely I would find food comforting for awhile. I also learned that I felt trapped by the extra weight, I couldn't be the person that I wanted to be. If I had been overweight I would not have done half of the things I have done in the last two years because my weight was holding me back from experiencing life, and expressing the person I have wanted to be. The thought of once again becoming the girl who is at the top of the screen scares the bejeezes out of me, because I know how easy it is to gain, and how hard it is to lose. I have yet to reach my goal weight, about 30 more pounds and I will be there. Maybe I will go whitewater rafting when I reach it:)

What I desire...

...In a car.

In the next month or so I will be looking into buying a new car. I have been thinking about what features I would like my new car to have and have come up with two. For all of my soul searching, all my brainstorming, all I have come up with is- a CD player and a trunk. This is assuming of course that the car has power windows, power locks, a key fobby doohickey that locks (and unlocks) the car, air conditioning, and all those other taken for granted features. Before I bought the car I have now, I underestimated the importance of a trunk. No more my friends! I want a trunk to hide my worldly car goods from the prying eyes of the public! As far as color goes, I would like to get another green car, but would understand if it is impossible seeing as how I am limited in my funds and might have to take what I can find. However, I refuse to buy a white car simply because I wash my car as little as possible no matter what time of year it is. Owning a white car will only make my laziness more apparent to the world. It would do just as well to write "I am a lazy car owner" in the dirt encrusted on the side of my car, then to drive around in a ever dirtier white car. So, as you can see I have given this SO much thought. I have no idea what kind of make or model I want. It just has to have a CD player, a trunk, and not be white...boy I wonder if I can find one of those!?

Recent discovery.

"You will get wet. Very wet. And you'll swallow hard when the roar of whitewater becomes audible from around the bend.
In May, you will wear a wet suit and still get cold. Any time of the year, you will end the day with sore limbs and tired muscles.
But you'll also walk away with a sense of accomplishment, a realization that you have just rafted a section of whitewater so treacherous that even the hardy voyageurs of the 19th century routinely portaged around it on their journey to Lake Superior."

http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/travel/11327241.html (this is the rest of the article)

I lived in Cloquet for 5 years and around the area of Duluth for 4 years prior to that, and in all that time it never occurred to me that I might want to go whitewater rafting when it was practically in my own backyard. However, now I do. I have been canoeing several times and I enjoy it. I love just being on the water and the calm that surrounds you. You can go as fast or as slow as you like, but it is up to you and only you to get where you want to be. Once you are in the canoe there are no other options, no shortcuts to getting to your final destination.

Whitewater rafting is almost the complete opposite. There is a lack of control. You are putting yourself in the hands of the river. You are no longer finishing your trip in your own time and pace, and you end your trip in whatever condition the river and rapids leave you in. It is more expensive than canoeing, so we shall see. It is definitely going on a life to do list.

Quotes over the years.

Over the past 10 years I have collected quotes from various places, people, and books and put them in a journal. Occasionally I pull it out and am astonished at how, depending on what point in life I am at, and what is going on in my life, different quotes will mean different things to me, or are more meaningful to me. Here are a few that struck me today.

Don't wish me happiness-I don't expect to be happy...It has gotten beyond that somehow. Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor-I will need them all.
-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Amazingly, people think that the things that happen to them, happen only to them.
-Michael Lavine

Yesterday is Ashes, tomorrow is wood, only today does the fire burn brightly.
-Native American Proverb/Prayer

The world is round and the place that may seem like the end may also be the beginning.
-Ivy Baker Priest

Don't be afraid your life will end, be afraid it will never begin.
-Grace Hansen

When you can think of yesterday without regret and of tomorrow without fear, then you are on the road to success.
-Anon.

Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. The things I worry about don't happen.
- Anon. (one of my favorite, hee hee hee)

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience which you must stop and look fear in the face...You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.
-Anon.

Often the test of courage is not to die but to live.
-Vittorio Alfieri

Change of Habits

Recently I hung out with a friend for the weekend. Taking time out from life for a brief span of time. However, recently whenever I do this, take time out, I notice new habits I have formed because of the circumstances that life has recently thrown at me. I have had to start to treat my parents as small children that cannot do for themselves. Or rather I have been conditioned over the last year or so to treat them this way. I have started "shushing" my father by holding a hand up in his face and telling him to "stop" or saying "shh". Like one would a child. As a result at least one of my male friends has been shushed repeatedly in just one sitting. Also, when I have to fetch, pick things up, bring things over to, and pick up after my mother has bled over into my other relationships as well. When I was away for the weekend I found myself doing small things for another friend that I had never, and would never have done in the past. Bringing things to her she had forgotten to pick up, things she mentioned she might need. When she wished she had her phone, I would get up off the my bed walk across the room and get it, she forgot her water at breakfast I would get up and go back across the room for it. She was fully capable and willing to get each of these items, and was almost as surprised as me when I did each thing. It wasn't until I got home that I realized that I was reacting to the conditioning of the past few years, and it is only getting more intense with having two of them. I have gotten used to bringing things to people when they forget them on the counter, standing up when I have already sat down to a meal to get someone some water, picking something up off the floor, and being responsible for the behavior of the people around me. We will see if I can stop or if it is going to get worse with the coming times....

As Time Goes By

So, as we all get older things change. Things that were once a "blast" seem stupid or a waste of time. Foods that we remember tasting delicious in our childhood taste like paste to us as adults, and things that were easy for us at one time become harder and harder as the years drag on.
Memories fail, joints crack, or don't bend as readily as they once did, new pains spring up where in youth there was only vigor, and foods that once tempted and teased the palate rear up to cause indigestion, reflux, and pains.
But ultimately it is the minds betrayal that is the hardest to stomach. When the memory can no longer hold those dearest to it within it's grasp. When tiny things begin to float beyond it's grip, then the more noticeable memories like entire families, names, faces, recollections of times and places spent together are gone, they slip away unnoticed, and forgotten forever.
The mind's betrayal is sometimes swift, stealing away a lifetime of memories, in little more than a week. Or sometimes it takes years, slowly draining away the memories, leaving confusion, anger, and terror.
They tell us to treasure everyday with them, treasure everyday when they rail against us. Rail against our presence and the gentle reminders of all they have forgotten, will forget, and may never remember. They do not make it easy, but to do anything else would be impossible.

My Emo Poems from days (a decade :whimper:) gone by.

These are some of the poems I wrote my senior year of high school. I was digging around and came across them today. Hee, have fun:)

The Enchantress

When the moon drops below the horizon.

When there is a period between day and night.

It becomes visible,

It becomes known.

From beneath the inland loch,

Where the crystal tipped waters turn to murky depths,

Lies the island of the enchantress.

Once a day, at night's end and dawn's day

Her island rises up from the lake

Presenting ancient secrets to the world.

Secrets only visible for a brief period of time,

And for this time the world is once again calm.

jf

Death

Sniffs around the contaminated room.

Tiptoes along with the glimmering daggers.

At once it explodes in blinding sparks.

Screams to raw the lips.

Scowls at the shimmering lips.

Caresses the once beating heart.

Reminisces about the once vital body.

Skulks around it's ice cold patron.

Revives it's flagging spirit.

Crouches with bountiful lust for a victim.

Trips in eagerness for the next body.

jf

And last but not least the one that confuses me a little looking back but oh well:)

Moving On

I packed up everything into boxes.

I wrapped all my picture frames in fake snow.

I did everything myself.

I didn't want strangers touching my things.

No words can describe the shadows of memories in this old place.

Once treasured kisses, candle lit dinners, the smell of once potpourri.

I head out on my own,

Phones disconnected, stamps on all my change of address forms,

Plane ticket in my hand, suit cases packed to move,

Lonely hotel rooms on Texas back Highways.

Lint on my once best jacket

Motor oil smeared on my high heels.

I walk through the desert carrying my suitcase,

No water can cool my fever that the red sun has brought on.

My life brings words to my lips that make the vultures and lizards blush.

jf

For some reason it wont let me put any spaces in so-sorry!

Excellent Driving?

I have had to drive a lot lately, and I have noticed that the more I drive the worse I am. Like the other night when I was stuck in the snow storm with bumper to bumper traffic, icy conditions, and snow all over the roads. A person would think that a good driver would be paying attention to the cars in front of them and watching for break lights, nope, not me. I was time and time again distracted by the different tracks that the tires in front of me were making in the snow. I don't mean "huh- look at that" I mean "OOOOOoooooooo pretty snow, must stare at for miles, and miles!" It didn't seem to matter what kind of car was in front of me, I was mesmerised by their tires.
Then the other day coming home from...idontknow..somewhere, I drove through 3 stoplights and on the last one my mom said "was that green?" I replied "psh I don't know, I was just driving in the direction of home and following the cars in front of me".
Maybe the driving instructor should have gone with his first instinct when he said "Well I probably shouldn't pass you...But!..."

Randal Spangler's Draglings

One of my favorite artists draws and paints what he calls "draglings" (small dragons) named Dagmar and Dewey that live in the land of Ohm . They are adorable and it helps that they seem to be addicted to the same things that I am, chocolate chip cookies and books. I immediately found them irresistible and have bought several prints from him when he comes in to town.

This one is called "The Adventure Shelf".

"Moonlight Mysteries"

"The Computer Wizard"
"Draggin in the Morning"

"Hit Any Key"

Between the subject matter, the complexity of his pictures, and the vibrancy of the colors I always find another piece of his artwork that I "need".

http://www.randalspangler.com/

Weather Permitting, Or Not.

Well, I didn't quite make it to class last night. I tried for about 2.5 hours but I only got as far as Lyndale and 494 and with only 30 minutes until class started I decided to call it a night. I pulled over, got some dinner, and started the 1.5 hour (should have taken 20 minutes) journey back home.
When I first signed up for the class I had some misgivings about driving all the way out to midway campus, but I pushed them aside, thinking I was eventually going to have to drive out there, take a class out there. Well not this semester. I dropped that class when I got home. Stupid traffic, stupid snow, stupid midway campus, stupid people in their stupid cars. Well I don't have to worry about it anymore. I now have a Monday class that meets at the blissful time of 1 o'clock in the afternoon! Why did I not think of taking a linguistics class sooner. Ah! Linguistics the answer to life's problems, or at least one of them (for today).

School Time Once Again.

Well, today is the first day of class and I have to go to a new campus that resides somewhere in the vicinity of Rosedale. It is basically a bitch to get to. I have class at 6pm and traffic from Chaska to that area of town is a nightmare. I have to leave home an hour earlier than I would if I was going to the St.Paul campus. Plus it is snowing like crazy today.
I have a doctor appointment that should get done right before I have to leave for class, then I have to run home, switch cars and head out for the night. I won't get home until around 10 or 1030 pm depending on how the roads and traffic are tonight. I am not looking forward to today.

But so far my Greek class looks to be interesting (my online class). We've started by reading The Odyssey, and a book about Greek Lyric. I expect to be able to hold conversations that will stimulate and amaze when i am done with this class:)

Wish me luck. (stupid snow!)

Who is Who? Can you identify the Celebrity from just their eyes?

Winter be GONE!

Fall is my favorite time of year, hands down. You get to wear cute sweaters and fun outfits with boots, scarves, etc. However, I am not a huge fan of winter simply because of its temperatures, snow as a whole, and the inconvenience that comes from tromping through dirty snow, sandy/salty snow, snow filled parking lots, driving on unplowed roads, and in snowy-icy conditions.
I am sure you all remember that ice storm that hit us last week, followed by a nice chaser of snow. Yeah, well, the day before yesterday I had JUST scraped my car of all ice and snow and what does it do that very night? SNOWS AGAIN! I give up. The Fates are laughing at me. My car is covered again. I give up, it can sit there until spring (or until I buy a new one). Then it will look like this-

I'm fine with that. I have accepted it. I will just stop scraping and wiping snow off of it. I'll just go start it every once and awhile, and sit in the dark cocoon formed by the snow covered windows and pretend it is my very own snow fort. HA! Take that snow demons!

"The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only one page"- Saint Augustine

So, as most of you know I read Romance novels, but lately I have been wanting to read many different kinds of books. During my High School English years I skipped the year when we were supposed to read the classics, and the book club I had (yes past tense, that means I quit) been a part of read nothing but Romance novels. Some of the books I want to read include:

Of Mice and Men , by John Steinbeck
The Great Gatsby, by F. Scott Fitzgerald
The Last of the Mohicans , by James Fenimore Cooper
The Once and Future King, by T.H. White
The Princess Bride, by William Goldman
A Wrinkle in Time, by Madeleine L'Engle
Peter Pan, by J.M. Barrie
One Thousand White Women, by Jim Fergus
The Poisonwood Bible, by Barbara Kingsolver
Blink, by Malcolm Gladwell
Stardust, By Neil Gaiman
Treasure Island, by Robert Louis Stevenson
A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dickens
Gulliver's Travels, by Jonathan Swift
Maus, by Art Spiegelman
Love Medicine, by Louise Erdrich
The Stranger, by Albert Camus
Watership Down, by Richard Adams

Just a few that have always caught my eye and interest, I know there are more. Do you know of any that I left off the list that I should check out?

P.S. I tried to keep the spaces to a minimum for you Dawn:)

Yea Backstrom...!

"Wild goalie Niklas Backstrom named to NHL All-Star Team"

http://www.topix.com/hockey-players/niklas-backstrom/2009/01/wild-goalie-niklas-backstrom-named-to-nhl-all-star-team

"SAINT PAUL/MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. – Niklas Backstrom will represent the Minnesota Wild at the 2009 National Hockey League (NHL) All-Star Game, Sunday, Jan. 25 at Montreal’s Bell Centre the league announced today. Backstrom, 30 (2/13/78), is 19-12-2 with a 2.14 goals against average (GAA), a .929 SV Pct. and five shutouts in 33 games this season. He ranks tied for first in the NHL in shutouts, fourth in wins, fifth in GAA and sixth in SV Pct. Backstrom established franchise records with 33 wins and 1,498 saves last season and tied the record for games played (58). Among goalies playing 100 or more games since the beginning of the 2006-07 season, he ranks first in the NHL in SV Pct. at .925, first in GAA at 2.16, tied for second in win % at .669 and fifth in shutouts with 14. Backstrom won the 2007 William M. Jennings Trophy with teammate Manny Fernandez as the tandem allowed a League-low 191 goals against. Backstrom also received the Bank of America Roger Crozier Saving Grace Award in 2007 as he recorded a league best .929 SV Pct. Minnesota signed the Helsinki, Finland-native as a free agent on June 1, 2006. He is 75-33-16 with a 2.16 GAA, a .925 SV Pct. and 14 shutouts in 132 career games with Minnesota."

http://wild.nhl.com/team/app?articleid=402611&page=NewsPage&service=page

I heart him! :)

Movies in 2009

Inkheart (Wide)Brendan Fraser is a father with the magical ability to bring characters from books to life when he reads them aloud.

I am really excited about Inkheart. It looks shamelessly fun, and i am an unapologetic fan of Brendan Fraser.

2009-The Road-A post-apocalyptic tale of a man and his son trying to survive by any means possible.

Ever since I found out they were making a movie out of this story and that Viggo Mortensen was going to be in it I have been intrigued. We will see what the result is.

5/1 - X-Men Origins: WolverineHugh Jackman stars in this prequel to the X-Men trilogy exploring how Logan became the adamantium blade-wielding mutant Wolverine.

I loves me some X-men, and my favorites have always been Wolverine and Gambit. So, I am so there. (Ahem not to mention it's Hugh Jackman)

5/2 - Terminator SalvationChristian Bale stars in this film which is both a sequel and a prequel to the wildly popular time-travel/killer robot action franchise.

Something tells me I might regret seeing this movie, but I grew up seeing the rest of them, and it's Christian BALE!!!

7/1 - Public EnemiesJohnny Depp stars as legendary bank robber John Dillinger and Christian Bale is the G-man on his tail in this true crime drama directed by Michael Mann.

Okay, honestly I would see this movie just because it was Johnny Depp, the man is freakin amazing. But it is Johnny Depp AND Christian Bale! Whoa.

7/1 - Ice Age: Dawn of the DinosaursManny, Sid, Diego and Ellie are back in this third installment in the "Ice Age" franchise, featuring the voice talents of Ray Romano, John Leguizamo, Denis Leary, and Queen Latifah.

Ice Age. Need I say more. (quiet dawn) :)

7/10 - 2012"Independence Day" and "The Day After Tomorrow" director Roland Emmerich destroys the Earth again, starring John Cusack.

This interests me for no other reason than to see John Cusack in this type of film.

7/17 - Harry Potter and the Half-Blood PrinceHarry, Hermione, Ron and friends return to Hogwarts and face Lord Voldemort again in this sixth installment of the series.

No Brainer. I will be there.

11/20 - Sherlock HolmesRobert Downey Jr. brings the legendary London sleuth to life, with Jude Law as the faithful Dr. Watson and directed by Guy Ritchie.

I always liked to watch Sherlock Holmes with my dad when I was little, so this movie intrigues me. Robert Downey Jr? Hmm, not who I would have thought of right away but I am willing to give him a chance, the man has got some impressive acting skills. Not a big Jude Law fan though. It will not keep me away though.


Those are some of the movies coming out in the new year that I am interested in, I know I left some out. I purposely left some out that I felt kinda "eh" about. Like the new "Star Trek", I don't know that I need to watch that one yet. I also left out some I know you guys are going to be dying to see. "Watchmen" anyone?

What The Future Holds

I have recently been thinking more and more about what I want to do when i grow up. It has always kinda been an abstract idea to me. So far away. I have always had things I have had to do first, almost insurmountable goals (school)before I could even consider what i wanted for my first career.

Well lately I have decided that I should just stop waiting, I need to just go out and find a "real" job.

But, I am still thinking about what i would eventually want to DO?! Then one day it kinda occurred to me. I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner, all the elements were there, there had been hints for years.

I have always loved books, I think reading is important at any age, it breaks my heart when people, children, and classrooms don't have books, cant afford books. The wonder that can be found in a book for a child (or adult) is priceless, the new worlds that are discovered, the journeys that your imagination goes on, the travels that you can take, simply by reading, has always been precious to me.

When i eventually graduate and find the path that my career will take I would think... I might, find my path leading me towards non profit programs that provide schools with up to date materials to teach children, put books in the hands of children whose parents could not otherwise not afford them, and while when I was younger I thought it would be enough to simply own a bookstore, to be involved in getting books to people that way, that is simply not enough anymore. I need...

Come and Get Your Tickets.

I have a couple collections of "things". Quite by accident I started to collect frogs. One of my aunts bought me a frog, then another, and more, until I had nearly 100. I have since stopped collecting frogs. If I get one it is not the end of the world, I simply thank the person, and move on with my life, but what does a person do with almost 100 FROGS?!!??! (get rid of some of them, shh don't tell).



My aunt and mother will still direct my attention to any frog they see, but honestly I am quite over it.



My other collection that I have in common with many other people (so it makes me feel slightly less freakish, and warty) is my collection of tickets. No, not speeding tickets, or parking tickets. But tickets from (almost) every movie, game, and show I have attended since 2002. I keep them in a shoe box, and if you've gone to a movie with me in the past 6 years there is a memory of you in that box.


Every once and a while i will look through the box and remember the occasion that I went to a certain movie, who I went with, how I got talked into attending a certain movie, how many times i saw it, whether we went to dinner afterward.

There are now other tickets in the shoe box to keep the movie tickets company, theater tickets, Hockey tickets, Lacrosse tickets, Baseball tickets, museum tickets, even a couple airline tickets.

It is a box, not just of scrapes of paper but a box that essentially tells of places I have been, things i have seen, and to me every scrape of paper reminds me of the people I was with.

And we're off to a big blank start.

Okay- So I thought i would try to have a blog of my own and see if I could write enough and post enough stuff to warrant its existence. So here we go.

And I got nothin.

What do I usually do when I have nothing to post, I post poetry, that's right folks....


Dover Beach

The sea is calm tonight.
The tide is full, the moon lies fair
Upon the straits; on the French coasts the light
Gleams and is gone; the cliffs of England stand,
Glimmering and vast, out in the tranquil bay.
Come to the window, sweet is the night-air!
Only, from the long line of spray
Where the sea meets the moon-blanched land.
Listen! you hear the grating roar
Of pebbles which the waves draw back, and fling,
At their return, up the high strand,
Begin, and cease, and then again begin
With tremulous cadence slow, and bring
The eternal note of sadness in.


Sophocles long ago
Heard it on the Aegean, and it brought
Into his mind the turbid ebb and flow
Of human misery; we
Find also in the sound a thought,
Hearing it by this distant northern sea.


The Sea of Faith
Was once, too, at the full, and round earth's shore
Lay like folds of a bright girdle furled.
But now I only hear
Its melancholy, long, withdrawing roar,
Retreating, to the breath
Of the night-wind, down the vast edges drear
And naked shingles of the world.


Ah, love, let us be true
To one another! for the world, which seems
To lie before us like a land of dreams,
So various, so beautiful, so new,
Hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light,
Nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain;
And we are here as on a darkling plain
Swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight,
Where ignorant armies clash by night.


Matthew Arnold
(24 December 1822-15 April 1888)


I love the way Arnold uses language, point of view, and I love the images he creates with Dover Beach.