losing yourself.

In the past two years I have lost about 75 pounds, and quite a few of my many self esteem issues that had been following me all my life. I still have enough issues left to sink a ship, but well, that's something for another post. The idea for this post has been going around in my head for quite awhile and it is time to just do it and get it over with.

This is me with my family about 3-4 years ago. So everyone I am friends with now knew me then in one way or another. This is a very uncomfortable person you see in this picture. (It was an awesome hair day though). P.S. I am the one on the left.

This, as I would hope you would all know, is me now. This was taken this past summer.

This picture was also taken this year. So, what have I learned by losing so much of myself (the weight)? I have learned why I eat. It is a comfort to me when things are bad, food is always there. I was raised that food means comfort, food means family, food means home. So when I was scared, my mom was sick, or I felt lonely I would find food comforting for awhile. I also learned that I felt trapped by the extra weight, I couldn't be the person that I wanted to be. If I had been overweight I would not have done half of the things I have done in the last two years because my weight was holding me back from experiencing life, and expressing the person I have wanted to be. The thought of once again becoming the girl who is at the top of the screen scares the bejeezes out of me, because I know how easy it is to gain, and how hard it is to lose. I have yet to reach my goal weight, about 30 more pounds and I will be there. Maybe I will go whitewater rafting when I reach it:)

What I desire...

...In a car.

In the next month or so I will be looking into buying a new car. I have been thinking about what features I would like my new car to have and have come up with two. For all of my soul searching, all my brainstorming, all I have come up with is- a CD player and a trunk. This is assuming of course that the car has power windows, power locks, a key fobby doohickey that locks (and unlocks) the car, air conditioning, and all those other taken for granted features. Before I bought the car I have now, I underestimated the importance of a trunk. No more my friends! I want a trunk to hide my worldly car goods from the prying eyes of the public! As far as color goes, I would like to get another green car, but would understand if it is impossible seeing as how I am limited in my funds and might have to take what I can find. However, I refuse to buy a white car simply because I wash my car as little as possible no matter what time of year it is. Owning a white car will only make my laziness more apparent to the world. It would do just as well to write "I am a lazy car owner" in the dirt encrusted on the side of my car, then to drive around in a ever dirtier white car. So, as you can see I have given this SO much thought. I have no idea what kind of make or model I want. It just has to have a CD player, a trunk, and not be white...boy I wonder if I can find one of those!?

Recent discovery.

"You will get wet. Very wet. And you'll swallow hard when the roar of whitewater becomes audible from around the bend.
In May, you will wear a wet suit and still get cold. Any time of the year, you will end the day with sore limbs and tired muscles.
But you'll also walk away with a sense of accomplishment, a realization that you have just rafted a section of whitewater so treacherous that even the hardy voyageurs of the 19th century routinely portaged around it on their journey to Lake Superior."

http://www.startribune.com/lifestyle/travel/11327241.html (this is the rest of the article)

I lived in Cloquet for 5 years and around the area of Duluth for 4 years prior to that, and in all that time it never occurred to me that I might want to go whitewater rafting when it was practically in my own backyard. However, now I do. I have been canoeing several times and I enjoy it. I love just being on the water and the calm that surrounds you. You can go as fast or as slow as you like, but it is up to you and only you to get where you want to be. Once you are in the canoe there are no other options, no shortcuts to getting to your final destination.

Whitewater rafting is almost the complete opposite. There is a lack of control. You are putting yourself in the hands of the river. You are no longer finishing your trip in your own time and pace, and you end your trip in whatever condition the river and rapids leave you in. It is more expensive than canoeing, so we shall see. It is definitely going on a life to do list.

Quotes over the years.

Over the past 10 years I have collected quotes from various places, people, and books and put them in a journal. Occasionally I pull it out and am astonished at how, depending on what point in life I am at, and what is going on in my life, different quotes will mean different things to me, or are more meaningful to me. Here are a few that struck me today.

Don't wish me happiness-I don't expect to be happy...It has gotten beyond that somehow. Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor-I will need them all.
-Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Amazingly, people think that the things that happen to them, happen only to them.
-Michael Lavine

Yesterday is Ashes, tomorrow is wood, only today does the fire burn brightly.
-Native American Proverb/Prayer

The world is round and the place that may seem like the end may also be the beginning.
-Ivy Baker Priest

Don't be afraid your life will end, be afraid it will never begin.
-Grace Hansen

When you can think of yesterday without regret and of tomorrow without fear, then you are on the road to success.
-Anon.

Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. The things I worry about don't happen.
- Anon. (one of my favorite, hee hee hee)

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience which you must stop and look fear in the face...You must do the thing you think you cannot do.
-Eleanor Roosevelt

Never look back unless you are planning to go that way.
-Anon.

Often the test of courage is not to die but to live.
-Vittorio Alfieri

Change of Habits

Recently I hung out with a friend for the weekend. Taking time out from life for a brief span of time. However, recently whenever I do this, take time out, I notice new habits I have formed because of the circumstances that life has recently thrown at me. I have had to start to treat my parents as small children that cannot do for themselves. Or rather I have been conditioned over the last year or so to treat them this way. I have started "shushing" my father by holding a hand up in his face and telling him to "stop" or saying "shh". Like one would a child. As a result at least one of my male friends has been shushed repeatedly in just one sitting. Also, when I have to fetch, pick things up, bring things over to, and pick up after my mother has bled over into my other relationships as well. When I was away for the weekend I found myself doing small things for another friend that I had never, and would never have done in the past. Bringing things to her she had forgotten to pick up, things she mentioned she might need. When she wished she had her phone, I would get up off the my bed walk across the room and get it, she forgot her water at breakfast I would get up and go back across the room for it. She was fully capable and willing to get each of these items, and was almost as surprised as me when I did each thing. It wasn't until I got home that I realized that I was reacting to the conditioning of the past few years, and it is only getting more intense with having two of them. I have gotten used to bringing things to people when they forget them on the counter, standing up when I have already sat down to a meal to get someone some water, picking something up off the floor, and being responsible for the behavior of the people around me. We will see if I can stop or if it is going to get worse with the coming times....

As Time Goes By

So, as we all get older things change. Things that were once a "blast" seem stupid or a waste of time. Foods that we remember tasting delicious in our childhood taste like paste to us as adults, and things that were easy for us at one time become harder and harder as the years drag on.
Memories fail, joints crack, or don't bend as readily as they once did, new pains spring up where in youth there was only vigor, and foods that once tempted and teased the palate rear up to cause indigestion, reflux, and pains.
But ultimately it is the minds betrayal that is the hardest to stomach. When the memory can no longer hold those dearest to it within it's grasp. When tiny things begin to float beyond it's grip, then the more noticeable memories like entire families, names, faces, recollections of times and places spent together are gone, they slip away unnoticed, and forgotten forever.
The mind's betrayal is sometimes swift, stealing away a lifetime of memories, in little more than a week. Or sometimes it takes years, slowly draining away the memories, leaving confusion, anger, and terror.
They tell us to treasure everyday with them, treasure everyday when they rail against us. Rail against our presence and the gentle reminders of all they have forgotten, will forget, and may never remember. They do not make it easy, but to do anything else would be impossible.

My Emo Poems from days (a decade :whimper:) gone by.

These are some of the poems I wrote my senior year of high school. I was digging around and came across them today. Hee, have fun:)

The Enchantress

When the moon drops below the horizon.

When there is a period between day and night.

It becomes visible,

It becomes known.

From beneath the inland loch,

Where the crystal tipped waters turn to murky depths,

Lies the island of the enchantress.

Once a day, at night's end and dawn's day

Her island rises up from the lake

Presenting ancient secrets to the world.

Secrets only visible for a brief period of time,

And for this time the world is once again calm.

jf

Death

Sniffs around the contaminated room.

Tiptoes along with the glimmering daggers.

At once it explodes in blinding sparks.

Screams to raw the lips.

Scowls at the shimmering lips.

Caresses the once beating heart.

Reminisces about the once vital body.

Skulks around it's ice cold patron.

Revives it's flagging spirit.

Crouches with bountiful lust for a victim.

Trips in eagerness for the next body.

jf

And last but not least the one that confuses me a little looking back but oh well:)

Moving On

I packed up everything into boxes.

I wrapped all my picture frames in fake snow.

I did everything myself.

I didn't want strangers touching my things.

No words can describe the shadows of memories in this old place.

Once treasured kisses, candle lit dinners, the smell of once potpourri.

I head out on my own,

Phones disconnected, stamps on all my change of address forms,

Plane ticket in my hand, suit cases packed to move,

Lonely hotel rooms on Texas back Highways.

Lint on my once best jacket

Motor oil smeared on my high heels.

I walk through the desert carrying my suitcase,

No water can cool my fever that the red sun has brought on.

My life brings words to my lips that make the vultures and lizards blush.

jf

For some reason it wont let me put any spaces in so-sorry!